A common barrier when looking for a relationship.

If you are single and wanting to be in a relationship, how much do you actually want one and are you doing anything to find one? Can you see very clear benefits to staying single? Ambivalence around wanting a relationship is one thing that can actually hold us back from meeting someone if we are not aware of it. Generally single people fit into 2 groups, both might say “ I want to be in a relationship” but one really means it and the other values something else equally or more importantly than being with someone. For example they might value highly their single lifestyle, their career, their freedom, ability to keep things to themselves or to avoid pain.

Following are a few statements, take a look and see how many of them ring true for you:

I have more time when I am single to do the things I want
I don’t want to have to think of anyone else
In a relationship I will lose my freedom
Relationships are stressful
I can’t focus on my career when I am in a relationship
I won’t have time to see my friends if I meet someone
I don’t have time for a relationship
A relationship will distract me
I can’t afford being in a relationship, dating costs money!
I can’t be bothered to have to get to know someone all over again


If you are ambivalent towards finding a relationship and actually think it might hold you back in some way, or force you to give something up, how much effort do you think you make in finding one or making one work? On meeting people no doubt you might give off subconsciously some barriers, protecting yourself from meeting anyone. You might even attract or be attracted to unavailable or unsuitable people purely to stop yourself from getting into anything with a future. Even though in your conscious mind you might say you want to meet someone, if at all in the back of your mind there is any doubt about wanting to be with someone you will project this is some way or another.

Please be aware there is absolutely nothing wrong with being ambivalent it’s just when it starts holding you back that is becomes a problem.

So how to tell if you are ambivalent; divide a page into 2 columns, on the right hand side write down what you would gain from being in a relationship and on the left hand side write down what you would have to give up. Then look and see which side is longer!

If you are still unsure close your eyes and tell yourself “I am going to get married one day”. See how you feel, what is your gut reaction to this? Then tell yourself “I am going to stay single forever” How does that make you feel? Paying attention to how we feel is often a true indicator to what we want, rather than listening to our mind which is often our biggest saboteur.

What do to if you are ambivalent? As mentioned above there isn’t anything wrong with it if you really won’t want to meet anyone but if you do then realising you are is the first step to changing it. Take a look at how it might have created any patterns in relationships or meeting people. Start to notice your behaviour when you meet people you are interested in. It’s this awareness that will help you make changes. Pay attention to any doubts, fears, constant dilemmas going round your head or endless conversations you have with friends. Try looking at the facts you actually know which will help you to make a realistic decision rather than one based on fear of what might be. Then consider what you are actually doing to find a relationship? It’s a real sign of ambivalence when you talk about wanting to be in a relationship but then are actually not doing anything about finding one!! Think about all the things you could do; on line dating, singles events, letting people know you are looking one so people can look out for people to set you up with, being more open to meeting people where ever you go, asking people you like out and so on.