Last month we wrote about getting inspired and how your values need to be linked to your goals to really get you excited about working towards them. As February is known to be the month for all things romantic dictated to us via St Valentines Day we thought we would continue the values theme and explain how they are linked to our relationships. The key to understanding our relationships is being aware and considerate to other people's values, also to our own.

How we see the world is filtered through our beliefs and values. A classic example of this is; if you value family and have a belief that "family should be put before work" and then you have a partner who values business and does a lot of overtime at work then you are likely to take this to mean they don't care about the family. This is not necessarily the truth, they might see working long hours as a way of supporting their family.

If you can understand that everyone is living by their own values then you can see that there is no right or wrong, only in our eyes through our "filters". People do the best they can whilst working towards achieving what is important to them. We add our meaning on to how people behave through what is important to us and how we expect people to behave. The word "should" is used when you think someone ought to be living by your values or you by theirs. If you can understand this then you can realise there is actually no such thing as rejection, if someone does not want to be with you it is just because you do not fit into their highest values any more. People are ruled by their values and if they think that someone else will help them achieve theirs more than you can they are likely to go with them. It's not that there is anything wrong with you, it's all just about what is important to them at that time.

Using this theory the key to developing deeper understanding relationships is to work out what your values are and the values of those closest to you to understand why they behave the way they do. The idea is to learn to communicate to each others values and see how the different sets work together to support you achieving your own. Using the example above of the "family value" versus the "business value" those two people could consider how their values help each other. The person with the family value could be creating a loving warm home for the business person to come back to, caring and listening after a hard days work, giving support and encouragement through any tough times. The business person is providing an income for the family to enjoy great things in life, perhaps being able to finance children through good schooling, giving them all great holidays etc.

This is a useful exercise to do to learn to really appreciate each other. By working through the things that really annoy you about your partner and think how them being that way actually helps you feel your highest value you can learn to see how you work so well together. Another example of this is you might value friendships and you might get annoyed with your partner because he/she is totally disorganised and never gets round to making any arrangements or plans. This could perhaps help you because it means you get to be the one planning to see your friends, rather than them taking control of your social plans, it might mean because they are so easy going there are less barriers stopping you from going out with your friends and so on. Do this exercise until you can totally appreciate the seemingly annoying traits of your partner.

This is not constrained to romantic relationships but to friendships and business partnerships as well. Imagine as a business associate you highly value integrity but they don't and are always turning up late or not doing the work they have promised you on time, in this type of situation you might want to consider is it actually worth continuing the alliances? However perhaps they are the creative side and have such amazing input into the company that you can see how they benefit you being the way they are and your need for integrity can benefit them in some way. If you actually take the time to establish out how people's priorities work then you can see how you can best work together and help each other. Sometimes your values might just be so far off that it just doesn't work but at least if you have tried to understand each other it will have saved a lot of time and you have an understanding of why it didn't work rather than blaming each other.

We usually attract people into our lives that have opposite value systems and this is for us to grow and develop. Often the things that really irritate us about someone are the things we have yet to accept about ourselves. You might question that when you read this but sit down and really think about it. We have every characteristic, or value, in us we just choose to prioritise what is important to us and disown the parts of us we feel uncomfortable with. So if you find someone driving you mad in some way ask yourself where you can be like that too and just learn to accept that part of you. It's a powerful loving state to being in when you realise we are actually all the same just in different forms!

It's the same with situations in life, we attract what we perceive as negative situations into our lives to help us learn something that we have not yet learnt or accepted with in our selves. For example people complain about repeatedly attracting people who treat them badly, but there is a reason why this is happening. The thing to do is to look into yourself and see where you are treating yourself badly, what negative beliefs do you have about yourself and how you are treated. Or perhaps there is a situation in your past you have not yet let go of. If you have low self esteem or low confidence in some area of your life you will project this into the world and then attract people who will show it up even more until you learn something.

Lastly if we do not value our selves how can we expect anyone else to value us? If you can not see where in your life you are amazing at relationships, at work, with your family, in your health, spiritually, emotionally and how you are growing all the time then this could really hold you back getting the relationship you deserve. If we see a partner as being "better" than us in certain situations then we build them up and become infatuated with them, this does not lead to a balanced relationship. You might start acting clingy or demanding, needing them to show you commitment for fear of loosing them. This is likely to drive someone away as people can sense desperateness and do not find it attractive. We are all special in our own unique way and equally have good and bad sides to us, so empower yourself by working through the different life areas mentioned above and writing down where you are fantastic in all those parts. Once you raise your self worth others will start to notice it and become attracted to you. After all isn't it the case of we always want what we think we can't have?!!

All these theories are taken from the teachings of the incredible Dr John De Martini, if you would like to read more about relationships we highly recommend his books "The Breakthrough Experience" and "The Heart of Love".

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